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OUR PEEPS

Matlock Zumsteg, Founder/Producer/Performer

Mr. Zumsteg was discovered one grey afternoon at the bottom of a wishing well. Thinking he was a wish-granting leprechaun or lucky gnome of some sort, the old washer-woman threw down her apron and hoisted the soggy Mr. Zumsteg to his fate. Much to her dismay, Mr. Zumsteg turned out to be one heckuvan actor instead. Having no use for an actor of Mr. Zumstegs' caliber, she set him in a tin can on the road, where he lives to this day.

Melissa Gordon, All Around Amazing Assistant (AAAA)

After the Great Circus Disaster of 1919, Miss Melissa Sue found herself out of a job...again. Never one to wallow in defeat, the enterprising young fraulein pulled herself up by her generous bootstraps and found work as a broccoli farmer. In the years that followed, Miss Melissa discovered electricity (not realizing it had already been discovered by her husband, Thomas Edison,) and founded the world's first traveling dog show. After the untimely, dog related death of her husband, Miss Melissa was whisked off her hideously large, seven-toed feet by a charming actor/producer, one Matlock Zumsteg. She currently lives in a Prince Albert can with her new husband and their fourteen beautiful children on the side of the road.

Ken Haus, Perfomer and Director of Morale

When not winning Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot championship boxing titles or dusting his many, many clams, Ken likes to relax with a nice, long lobotomy at his favorite local sanitarium, Shady Oaks. Having once been the administrative assistant to a well-known mad scientist, Ken sometimes glows in the dark for no apparent reason. He also experiences long moments of lost time, during which his alter ego, Porkchop, can be found carousing the town in a pink G-string singing bawdy songs of seaward conquest. Ahoy!

Donovan Dutro, Dramatis personæ

After a long safari in the wilds of Burbank, California, Captain D. Ditritus Dutro accepted a job befitting a gentleman of his amazing stature. Standing at nearly 147 feet tall, he was elected president of the Champion All-State Basketball League, and though he had never touched a hoop in his life became a beloved icon of the sport. After a heated row with several of the League's star players, Cpt. Dutro abandoned his prestigious seat and returned to the wilds, where (as his memoir would later state, in lovingly crafted iambic pentameter,) he lived a simple life 'til the end of his days harvesting coka leaves with the exceedingly altitudinous Yumnji tribe in the forests of Abadjumwe.

John Hardin, Director of Moving Pictures

Everyone knows the sad yet thrilling tale of John Hardin, fastest blade slinger in the West. Known far and wide by young children as the Master of Mirepoix, his carrot, celery and onion chopping abilities raised the simple cooking technique to an art form. Not content to simply be the best in the gastronomical arena, Mr. Hardin soon turned his eyes to the sky, where he became an expert wing dancing chef in The Amazing Apassini's Famous Flying Ballerinos. He soon became internationally famous for the luscious diced concoctions he'd chop for the Queen on the wings of the Amazing Apassini's flying contraptions. Never to be outdone, his twin brother Hector suffered a tragic death when the 415 lb. man tried to match his brother in a marathon wing dancing routine and fell to his bloody death at the base of Mt. Kilamanjaro. The death of his rotund twin crushed the effusive spirit of the formerly fun loving Mr. Hardin. He retired to a quiet life of master vegetable chopping in a small, mom and pop resturant in New York City called the Four Seasons.

Steven Thomas, Top of the Line Thespian

Not long after his 75th birthday, Sir Steven Thomas began his long and infamous career in puppetry based crime. Records show that Sir Steven inherited the skill of wood shaping from his father, who is rumored to have been a red-bearded Viking king. Sir Steven was first apprehended in a biscuit shop on the corner of Harrow and Downing Streets late one Saturday evening as his army of wooden puppets attempted to flee with ten thousand pounds of sugar and flour. Though the prima facie evidence pointed directly to Sir Steven's workshop as the origin of the accursed puppets, all charges were dropped by the overly superstitious bakery owner. Sir Steven went on to commit terrible atrocities with his oaken faced minions, not the least of which was a murder leading to the onset of World War 1. On his deathbed, Sir Steven confessed to orchestrating thousands of high profile crimes spanning nearly a century, and was absolved in person by the Pope before passing quietly away in a puff of colored smoke.

Kelly McKay, Lead Ingénue

Miss K.McKay started life as a gifted child. By the age of one and a half she was composing symphonies over her mashed bananas and had developed an alternative fuel which revolutionized transportation the world over. At age three, Miss K. published her scandelous first novel and shocked the world with the announcement that she would be running for President of the United States. It was a close election, but in the end, Miss K. prevailed. After her inaugeration, she started a fetishistic newspaper that would only publish stories about the pigtailed Presidents' limited interests. Soon, the U.S. news media was inundated with stories about puppies, tricycles, baabaas, going to the park and jumpy-chairs. Her parents, and the world soon realized that President McKay's eccentricity would last long past the teething phase. Her presidency lasted only one term before she was replaced by a six-shooter wielding robot in a cowboy hat. At eight, her parents gave her care over to doctors, and she lived the rest of her days blowing bubbles in the rain.

Mark Owens, Hired Goon

The Show found Mark in the middle of the road after they unintentionally trampled him under the spoked wheels and hooves of their traveling gypsy wagon. Angry at the pain, Mark lifted the wagon (and incidentally, nearly the entire cast, who were resting comfortably on cushions in the back) off of his aching head with one hamlike hand and placed it gently beside him in the road. He had suffered quite a nasty blow and to this day cannot remember who he was before the incident. Clad in a torn and dusty leopard skin, only his handlebar mustache gave subtle clues to his former life. The Show graciously invited the strong and hairy man to join them as part of their traveling show, and after muttering a few gruff syllables, the large, oily brute accepted. The Show did not then realize that Mark would suffer from both retrograde and anterograde amnesia and therefore would not be able to remember any commands given to him. Useless for normal work, Mark, however, turned out to be quite the operatic singer. Mark made himself useful by entertaining the cast and audiences many a long hour with his vivacious vocalizations. He likes kittens and lifting heavy objects to impress college girls.

Michael Olsen, Contributing Writer

The upper classes of the Western world may well remember "Poor" Michael Olsen for his sordid love affair with the voluptuous socialite Miss Penelope Pruitt. The affair ended explosively over the matter of a dead parakeet, and Miss Pruitt threw Poor Michael out on his ear. The tragic loss of his left ear forever ruined his taste in music, and the loss of the love of his life sent him spiraling down into the seedy underbelly of nineteeth century Paris. After a life spent in waving a flag with Penelope's face on it from atop the Eiffel Tower (quite a feat since it was not yet fully constructed,) Poor Michael died in obscurity. In his honor, citizens of Paris had the thousands of forgettable yet exquisite landscape paintings he'd painstakingly completed in his lifetime burned to ashes in the street. There is now a plaque in the very spot which reads, "Pauvre Michel était un bon artiste. Trop le mauvais." (Poor Michael was a good artist. Too bad.)

Ian Mc David, Actor/Singer

Old McDavid had a farm, and on his farm he raised some quail. One day as his fifth son, Squishy, was out watering the driveway, he heard a voice calling out to him from the quail run. Following the sound, Squishy discovered that the quail were able to speak fluently in human voices. Tragically, however, they could only speak Greenlandic Norse, a language which had become extinct by the 16th century. Old McDavid recognized the language immediately since he was a Rhodes Scholar, so he delved immediately into a ten stage reconstruction plan to revive the dead language. Leaving the farm under Squishy's attentive single eye, Old McDavid enlisted linguistic experts from all over the world. After an exhaustive eighteen year effort, they finally managed to develop a working vocabulary of 180 Norse words. Old McDavid returned to his farm to discover all but one of the quail had been eaten by Squishy and his other sons because the market for farm raised quail was really poor in those days. Luckily, one old she-quail remained, pure white with age. McDavid put his ear close to her tiny wrinkled beak to finally hear the words he'd worked for so long to hear. "We like seeds better than corn," she whispered hoarsely, and died in Old McDavid's trembling hands.

Jeff Hollis, Writer/Performer

Born of Finnish immigrant parents, Jeff Hollis had a natural talent for alternative ambient folk rock music. He cut his first album, entitled "Kirjain Hankkia Kita Jotta Hihkaisu Kovaa," (I Have a Mouth to Yell Loudly,) at the age of seventeen in an Etruscan wine cave once belonging to but never used by Louis XV. His lilting, childlike vocals became a smash hit with followers of the American rave scene and soon Hollis was performing with the biggest names in alternative ambient music, such as Jukughtl and Malthusian Afternoon. The latter band asked Hollis to join them for their next studio album and the rest, as they say, is history.

The rest of the former members who have come and gone have asked that we not divulge their harrowing and sordid life stories here for the sake of privacy. We respect their anonymity and remember them each year (read:weekend) with a midnight festival (read: drunken orgy) held in their honor. Cheers!